final rules

[malachiical]

How to Survive Your Camping Experience

1. If you meet a woman with a crown of branches, she will offer to tell you a story. Listen to it, and you will be under her protection and no harm will ever befall you while you are on these grounds.
2. If you meet a man carrying a skull cup, he is the cup-bearer for the one that rules over this land. His name is Beau. He will offer you a drink, which you may refuse with no consequence. If you drink, you will never be able to eat mortal food ever again, but nor will you need to. Choose wisely.
3. Do not litter if you value your life.
4. You may follow the lights on the campground, as they belong to the crown of the lady. If you're not on the campground and you see lights, do not follow them. It rarely turns out well.
5. If you hear something trying to enter your tent at night, sit up and say in a clear, calm voice that you are not receiving visitors, but it is welcome to visit in the morning. If a stranger appears the next day asking for entrance to your camp, invite them in and give them food and drink. This will give you good luck for the rest of your stay.
6. If you hear the engine of a four-wheel somewhere in the woods, do not approach it. The four-wheelers are not allowed off the road and this one belongs to something other than the campground staff. Inform camp staff of its location. We'd like to recapture it someday.
7. If you see a group of people dancing in a circle around a fire, you may join them. If they welcome you in, dance with them until the music ends. Do not look at the musicians. If they do not welcome you, but instead stop and stare, back away slowly and then leave. If they follow you, you can try to run, but it is already too late. Just know that you probably deserve what they do to you.
8. If you find yourself surrounded by a group of people whose faces you cannot see, no matter how hard you look, give them whatever they request. They will ask for an insignificant part of your body, such as a piece of your earlobe or a single digit from a hand or foot. Do not refuse or try to escape. It will not hurt and it will be of great benefit to you someday in the future.
9. Stay out of the patch of land marked by yellow caution tape. You do not want to upset the creature that lives there, should it decide to pay the campground a visit.
10. If you come across a spider – especially one that is abnormally large – please leave them alone. They tend to the trees.
11. Don't eat food you find sitting out around the campsite. It's not yours and worse, it might be an offering and you will offend whatever it is intended for.
12. You can buy ice from the children that approach your camp ONLY if they have a wagon. Those are the children of other campers trying to make some extra spending money. They only upcharge by a few dollars, so consider tipping. If a group of children approach without a wagon, do not buy from them. Act like they don't exist. Their mother will eventually come by to collect them.
13. Drink enough water*. Insufficient hydration has resulted in far more cases of people needing medical intervention than anything else at this camp.

*Vodka mixed with Gatorade is not an acceptable substitute.